1. To be dependent for support, help, or supply
This word has been etched on my heart over the last few months. As I have over and over again had to fully rely of the strength of the Lord to get me through. I thought I knew what this word meant, but I have come to truly understand the bountiful beauty that comes from relying. Moments where you have no where else to turn but to the one who has had His arms open the whole time.
Going into the past semester, I said some bold prayers that God would completely break me down to my lowest in order to be built back up. It turns out He listened, and in the process I learned a huge lesson.
So, this life we are living is hard. There are hardships, tragedy, and pain. Things do not always go to plan. We have obstacles and challenges. And I get hard-headed. I think I can do it all on my own and that I don’t need any help, I am slow to ask for it, as well. God had been throwing me out of my comfort zone and forcing me to live in that foreign place. I would try to take on these challenges on my own. I would rev up ALL of my own strength (which is honestly pea-sized compared to His power), and over and over again I would come up short. It was unbearably frustrating. And I still would not go to Him. My pride was a wall that I had built brick by brick with my small successes. I even went to other people first. I thought, “My mere humanity can’t handle this but I bet multiple mere humans can!” I was wrong, again. Failure, again. Still, the wall was built, and I wasn’t going to knock it down anytime soon. It didn’t stop, God kept throwing things at me that I wasn’t ready for and didn’t feel equipped for and I couldn’t handle it. God was like a wrecking ball to my built up wall of pride and He demolished it. I was completely beaten down, with nothing else to give.
Hmm, just what I had prayed for.
God answered my prayers before my very eyes.
And it wasn’t great.
God was doing what He does best, yet I was still feeling weak. This wasn’t how answered prayers are supposed to feel right? And that’s when I realized that God is number one in the business of molding hearts but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the molding process is the easiest. And sometimes God places us in some valleys to prepare us for the mountains that He has sown out for us; we just have to be willing to climb.
I realized that God doesn’t just answer prayers and then everything just falls into place, you have to work and pray and not hold back; He deserves it, anyways.
It wasn’t until I dropped my pride and everything of my own ability and fully leaned on Him that I felt actual peace. A peace that goes beyond any comprehension, one of those things that you only know the feeling if you’ve experienced it. It was like a trust fall. Falling back with zero control, placing my control in the only one who had the ability to catch me. And he caught me right before I hit the ground. I saw what it truly meant to rely. To give everything to the only source that had enough strength to lift me through. This reliance required work. It wasn’t something simple, it was something that was a challenge, because so often I wanted to do it on my own. It took spending time with God, getting to know him well, praying vulnerably and honestly with Him, and knowing the Truths He has for me, believing them to be completely true.
And what a sweeeet, sweet place that was. To be in the hands of the One who made me. He sought me out, pulled me in, and walked alongside me. He made me work, He called me beloved. A Father and His Child. And I pray that you can feel that feeling too. So, let’s release the grip on that pride we so stubbornly hold onto and let’s free fall into the abyss of His wild love.